Custom Search

Start from the bottom...

If you want to really read these blogs, start from the bottom. The top is the most recent, but the bottom is where you'll get the most depth and insight to how I write.

Monday, September 26, 2016

To Infinity and Beyond

You can do you all you can to get where you think you want to be, or you can mess up a few times and fight through it and end up somewhere else. I'm somewhere else right now, but its more than I ever even wanted to accomplish before my stumbles, and you know what? I still think about it. I still think about that lovely white light ending everything and the solitude that probably comes with it. Sometimes you get dealt so much shit you just want to say fuck it because you can. Standing up to some shit being thrown your way is supposed to show strength, but I see strength in giving up in some ways. That, to me, is truly taking control rather than being tossed around like you're riding a bull. I swear I'm riding a bull... right on its gnarly horn. I push everything away that wants to help me, and I know that. I only reach out in the most desperate of times, and by then its usually too late or I'm on the uphill climb again. I swear I can be on top of the world in other people's eyes, but still feel so low at the same time. I just don't know what to do to be able to get away from this funk. I know it's been a while since I've written on here, but god damn this mother fucker is chasing me. I look forward to death. I don't look forward to death after a full and accomplished life or feel like I'll have regret if I die early, I just envy the lack of getting fucked and twisted every direction. There is so much we HAVE to do in order to be 'happy'. I hate that I sound like a privileged fucking white kid writing this too. There are probably people who have gone through so much more shit, but I'd say I've gone through a good amount of shit and still ended up on top so far. Fuck you school. Fuck you people who know they should get fucked. The Great White Buffalo is getting married soon. I'm sure that is subconsciously is what made me want to come back to this domain. Can't say for sure. I feel like I'm less inquisitive now a days and that makes me feel older. I am old. ew. I really want to be a degenerate, it seems like so much fun - and in my own way when I was one, it was super fun. I was always stressed but it was a different kind of stress. I hate how people think I have all of the answers... I'm just as lost as you are. I love my sister. This entire thing had "I"'s littered throughout it. That is the worst.

Sunday, April 15, 2012

raise your weapon

"One word and it's over."
That phrase applies to way too many situations.

Some people don't know when to move on; myself included. I'm not as bad as most people with it I'd say, but it's a bad trait nonetheless. Some people will get cheated on, beaten, yelled at, harassed; and they keep going back to that person. I try to not associate myself with people like that or anybody similar.

Girl seem to be 10x more guilty of this than guys, and it's because the lot of them crave attention. It starts how cute and adorable and it ends up with clingy and overbearing. Just go away. Seriously lol. Stop.

I think the trait of going back to somebody or something over and over is directly proportional to an emotional gap someone may have. Some people can't go 2 or 3 months without being in a relationship with somebody, and it's sickening. I'm not saying go be slutty and single; but.... go be slutty and single.

Drugs of course fall into the same category as the people that are being gone back to. I know I'm included in this because EVERYBODY does something. Everybody has their fix; whether it be alcohol, drugs, or another person. Yes I'm putting people in the same category as drugs and addictive things, but in a way they are. Some people just give you that fix; their presence, mindset, beautiful minds are addictive.. Especially if you have one. I can think of a few people that I know that have beautiful minds; ones that I couldn't live without, nor do I want to even try.

You know whats a good fix for this? Music.
Use music. Abuse it. Beat it up. It doesn't care. Overplay it. Play one song 500 times in a row if it strikes the right chord in your mind. I've had one song on replay for 18 hours now and it's helping me sort things out with myself. Music will always be my fix for those kinds of things. It's a weapon, but at the same time it's a shield. You can use it to help yourself fix things in your own mind, thus giving you a stronger mind; or you can use it to protect yourself; cure yourself from emotional wounds inflicted by others.

I'm not saying that single is the way to go, of course companionship is great; but only if it's healthy. Don't stay if it's not healthy just because you hate sleeping alone. It's so bad to sacrifice a healthy mind just to dull the loneliness. It'll come back; it always does. Again, use music. It may delve you deeper into a sadness or depression or deeper version of the loneliness, but it's worth it. I can't even tell you how many times I've used music to repair those kinds of wounds; or at least learn how to cope. One thing I'm thankful for at least is my lack of rejection. I of course have permanent wounds thanks to the few that have, but they've healed over with a scar that reminds me of what I did to fix it.

Thursday, September 29, 2011

It's been too long

So I'll try writing again i guess.
This music is attacking me and I love it.
So there's 3 certain people I know right now that are fucking up. They can do soo much but are stuck on the wrong things.

I feel just as stuck but I know what I got to do for once. Nobody will recognize your intelligence or your drive unless you make them realize it. Show that you're the best at what you're doing. Give up if you want, I sure as hell want to, but don't go out on nothing. Once you hit rock bottom, you'll come away from it, and you'll realize that rock bottom is amazing because it lets you see whats ahead. Once you get the tiniest taste of a comeback, it's a tough taste to get rid of. You may lose everything again and again but you have that taste in your mouth and you're not going to lose it. I'm not going to lose it. I don't care who you are or what you do but if you get in my way it's not going to end well. I'm getting what I came here for. I'm getting mine. I know I don't have the best advice to give, because I don't do anything right either, but I can tell you how I scraped up the last bit of confidence and drive I had and turned it into something. I may need a million, but I turned that 10 cents to 20, and now I can't stop. Now I see that relationships get so damn blinding, that they're really just pulling you away from what you need to do. Everything from a friendship to something you're really starting to get a tick for, it's distracting. You can either stagnate in that part of your life and enjoy it and enjoy their company and get to know them, or you can move on and fulfill your life before you step into somebody elses life.
Some people aren't ready for you. Get to that obstacle, get on it, get over it. I seriously am missing the old mindset I had. I don't care whether or not it was bad for me or unhealthy to think the way I thought, but it was so deep how could you not crave that. I'm just as deep now but I have more things figured out, and it's less intriguing now, it's just more mundane.

skipping to middle of this mix im in------

I can't vent like I used to, it's just so whine-y. I can't wait for people to catch up to me now, I'm sprinting now, and they're trying to learn how to jog. I need to meet more people who're where I'm at and just go with it. There are a few people I'm trying to bring along, catch them up to speed, make them realize where they're at, but they wont. Listen to me, please, I know it sucks and its scary but trust me and just listen.

I'm glad I stopped coding and cracking for a bit, it was getting dangerous.
I need a job -- again.

I don't know how to finish this off except. Oh I know. Some dedication-ish type things.

:Hey you, dealing with all that stress and you don't know what's stressing you out, and nobody gets what is going on in your head or what you're saying? - yet you swear they understand you? They dont.

:Stop living life in a safety blanket

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

You were the one I always tried to draw, Baby you're the only light I ever saw

I don't even want to write anymore, but I know it's good for me.
I need a topic, besides depression and loneliness. Pessimism helps avert troubles and hurdles, but also proves for super nostalgia and a tad too much of paranoia.

I need to do something with this writing. My writing. Any writing. I'm getting nowhere just complaining and voicing my subpar opinions of the late teenager observing the world from a monotonous suburbia. I need something to write about. I need somebody to give me something to write about, without telling me. Inspiration, give me it. I dare you.

I did develop a crazy theory on sound the other day though.
Just say you have something that weighs a million pounds. If its bottom, or base, or whatever touches the ground when it sets, is a square mile, and the object were somehow lifted up and dropped, it would be loud, would it not?
It would.

But what if that same million pound object had a base that was as tiny as the tip of a needle. It's possible to get something that massive to balance on something that small, especially in a vacuum. So if the same object had a base of a needle-head, and was dropped and the only thing that hit the ground was the needle-head, with this million pound object on top of it, how loud would it be? any sound at all? I can't see a needle-head exerting any sort of sound except for a ting or something insignificant.


This powerful loneliness is getting ridiculous. It's almost as if the longer I go alone, the stronger I get as a person, or mentally, but as soon as I find somebody that I can either talk with or be with or whatever it may be, I go weak. I go numb. I become a subject to my own power, and the power presses me towards the person. I either need somebody that pulls away just as fast and hard as I push towards them or somebody that can push me back harder and show me something I've never seen, or felt.
I'm eager for it either way.

maybe top this off later.

topping off:
SO it's either ROTC at mizzou, eh, become a lawyer and hate my job but make bank, eh, or continue with this computer informations bullshit and just be a drone and contributor to computers eventually running the world.
Or a Computer Lawyer in the Army :D
fucking lawyers... takin that mesothelioma money and shit.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

As you keep moving, I get more still.

Now it seems like my life is stuck in a stupid cycle already. Where money will always be tight, and my stress will always be the same, with minor breaks.

Somebody give me a fucking break.

I'm never gonna get to where I want to be, I'm never gonna be what you want me to be, and I'm never going to be the person I'm supposed to be.
I need a change, I need to be happy for once, but I can't.

I have no hobbies anymore, I have nothing. I shut off communications with people when I get too close to them because it just becomes too much of a stress. Sorry.
I'm tired of waiting to be happy.
This is the best time to end it, when nobody is really watching, or paying attention. People only care when you talk about whats wrong, nobody ever really tries to see whats up, and digs to see how you are.

Some people say they want to get to know me, but they stop short, and give up. I hate that.BOOM.
Deja vu.

It sucked.

This is a long one.
Ok it's done. Phew.

I'm just empty now, like a drone. I've got nothing to say to anybody, and it doesn't even bother me.
Just putting along.

Saturday, June 19, 2010

To West Texas. Or Chicago.

Let's go to Chicago, oh wait, no.

I just want to walk. I want to walk away and not turn back. It would let me think, but I can't. I'm not allowed to anymore. I have to grow up, I'm not allowed to think. I just have to do. There's nothing for me anymore. Nothing really belongs to me. It's lonely. It seems like the people who used to be there, aren't anymore. It feels like I'm starting over. He doesn't realize what he's doing by not helping me, it's making me more like me, and that's dangerous. If I get too much like myself, things won't turn out well.

They've forgot about me, and they don't know what it's doing to me.
She's forgot about me, and she doesn't know what it's doing to me.
He's forgot about me, and he doesn't know what it's doing to me.
I've forgotten nothing, and I know what it's doing to me.

Life seems like it's going in slow motion, and when I think it's about to pick up, and get rolling, it tricks me.
It goes slower. Things get more dull and bleak. Something needs to happen.

Sunday, May 2, 2010

Aight, run it.

Some decisions in life take more than a second to make, we all know that. It’s crazy how far in life one decision can affect you. One little choice can follow you around for years, and others only a day. Your life can be headed in the right track one-hundred percent, then one choice can ruin it and throw you obstacles that’ll slow you down. Sometimes I wonder if little choices I made are going to hamper what I could have been and what I could have done, and eventually, can do. Everybody has that one thing they want to take back, some people, more. Fuck that, everybody’s got their list of things they’d do over. Everybody knows what I did to Dr. Jackson, and really, it wasn’t hard, or that bad. If I wouldn’t have done that, sure, I wouldn’t have gained a name for myself in computers amongst my peers, but holy hell I would have been better off to not do it. Yeah, it was funny, it was MY thing, but it kinda screwed me.

I wanna know how everybody seems to have connections. Everybody seems to have somebody else that got them a job, or got them a deal on a car, or stuff like that. People always get connections and know people that get them absurdly overpaid jobs, and they do very little, but then there’s tons of people out there whose potential isn’t being reached because they don’t know the right people. I can think of tons of people I know who could be making damn good money right now, even at 18 and 19, but aren’t. They’re making minimum wage and going to community colleges and things like that. The Midwest sucks in that fashion. The best major companies seem to be coastal, so right away there’s a disadvantage.
What am I doing with my life? Seriously. Computers, sweet, what about about them? Everybody assumes that I have it all figured out, and that I’m just ‘doing computer stuff’. Yeah fuck off. There’s so much to it, I don’t know where to begin, and I don’t know if I even want to begin. I need a mentor for that or something. Idk.

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Ask her who I am to her, and she yelled God

Yeah I know, writing two days in a row hardly happens, but I kinda got the urge.
Last nights mood didn't really end, it just kind of went into a standby / observatory mode where it kind of took last night's theories, and compared them to with how my day went, to see if they were headed in the right direction. I kinda think that the only way that I'll ever be successful is if I either know somebody somewhere, or I just take full advantage of the little bit of outgoing trait that I may have, and do something with it. I don't want my childhood to be over yet, I haven't had enough fun. This summer better be fucking legit.

Yesterday, I was on to something. I don't know what it was, but a song came on that throws me into a turbine of thought, and I can't get out, and I was just thinking and thinking and realizing things and thinking and it felt like I was getting closer to something, something important, but I never got there. The song ended, the streak was lost, but I liked it. I'm kind of excited for the day where I get to that imaginary thought-point, where I make some sort of revelation, or some sort of mental breakthrough. It's on again.

I wish it was always night time. I'm a different person at night. It's not that I'm depressed at night, it's not that I'm more happy at night, it's just that my emotions seem to be exaggerated, and more easily triggered. If something happens that would make somebody go into deep thought, it REALLY makes me go into deep thought. I think that the atheistic belief, the one that really establishes no moral order is what was throwing me into a depression before. Because once I realized that there was no god, and that the story-book life everyone is supposedly living wasn't true, it's just depressing shit.

No offense to people who base their morals and life off of god, and devote it to god, but you're wasting you damn time. Why do you have to be good because that bible thing says so, why can't you just be a good person because you WANT to be a good person? It just doesn't make any sense. Some of the smartest people I know are fooled by that shit, and it makes me sick.

Mood over. or on standby, or whatever.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Imma fuck the world, but this is just foreplay

Shit's changing. I can't tell whether its for the good or not, but its changing.
It feels like I'm getting closer to knowing how the rest of my life is going to turn out. I'm soo soo curious. I have a feeling this summer is going to be epic. I have a feeling this is the summer that makes me, and breaks me. I'm ready for it though. The bigger your chances, the bigger the rewards/consequences.
I can't lie, I'd kill to go back to high school, but I'm glad that I'm at this point in my life where I kinda know how stuff's gonna turn out.

I'm also starting to realize that my deep thoughts and my opinions on things really don't matter anymore, and that I need to just shut the fuck up and get in line like the rest of the world. The chance of my 'voice' being heard is so minimal, that I kind of just want to say fuck it and throw my life into making it heard.

Ok so in the past 4 seconds I just made my mind up that I either want to be super rich when I'm older, but alone with no real family or love connections, or just middle-class with a real family. Yeah it's an odd set of choices, but its what I want.

I wanna move.

I'm already getting sick of computers, ohhh no.
not cool.

The brain works in the craziest way. I definitely notice patterns in my memory.
Certain songs remind me of certain people, even if nothing has happened that should cause it to. Sometimes even just simple beats or melodies do it too, I really hope I can capture this function one day and make something of it.

Mood done, bye

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Quote Un-Quote

If you have a conscience, shed it, for the world is run by those without remorse or regret. Success is brought either by ignoring the dishonest, or always being ignored.

If you don't get it, well, basically it means that you shouldn't feel bad for stuff. People make mistakes, and plus, the people who run the world got there were by dishonest ways. The second part says that the only way to become successful is to be either dishonest, and actions ignored, or to be 100% pure, while ignoring EVERY dishonesty you encounter, thus, because no man or woman can accomplish anything while ignoring every single little thing around them every day, every successful person is dishonest.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010


I know it's been said before, but life seems to be one big test. A test on whether or not you can deal with the pressure. The pressure being, of course, of the test.
It seems like some people always 'live for the night', then just push through the day, until another good time, or 'night'. Me, however, I push for a different kind of night. The nights I live for gain a certain measure of respect from me, and that's about all I can say about them, because what makes them the 'nights' for me, is that they're indescribable. It's not the usual drink, party, have a good time kinda night that I remember, although those are great. The kind I remember are the one's where something happens that gets me to thinking, and when the thinking results in a step forward, or I figure out something important in my life's path, then the night is memorable. Tonight made me realize that I'm already at a phase where I want to go and take back certain things in my life, or redo it. Already. It just doesn't seem like a good thing to be wishing for already, I mean, I'm only 18. I can't even imagine what I'll feel like when I'm 25 or 30. What kind of stress will I be dealing with then? Will I be able to handle it? I sure fucking hope so. I just hope I get my shit together, choose my major completely, get a good fucking job, and just be set. Although that kind of life sounds possibly mediocre, it's not that. I don't want just a mediocre life, being a basic middle class citizen. I want, just like everybody else, to be well set. If I'm not well set, then I doubt I'll be happy. I know money can't buy happiness, but more money can result in less stress, and that's something worth buying. Wale's back-up singers are pretty good. That's it for now though, I think.

Monday, February 15, 2010


I wanna end it right now.
Too much to type about, but yeah, now.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

x - 1 = shit

Wanting something really bad that you can't have sucks. I would always just hear the phrase, and say yeah it does, but it's really starting to set it. What makes it worse is when it's completely possible for you to have what you want, but others around you, without knowing, don't let you have it. It's not that they're telling you that you can't have it, but if you were to have it, you'd be shunned. Is it worth having still?

If you want something more than anything else in the world, and that something wants you, would it still be worth it?

It's like both somethings know it'd be great. They'd both have what they want, but it'd be so difficult that they just forget about it. I want it, but then it stops talking to me, and I miss it a lot. The more I talk to it, I miss it more. How can you miss something you never really had? It's the risk taking that's the problem. Both of them are unsure whether or not it'd be worth it, but deep down they know it would be.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

No Title, Really.

I don't really have any certain thing to write about in particular, but what made me decide to write was that when I was just reading my OWN blog, it fucked with me. Somehow my own words saddened me. It wasn't and isn't a pity feeling, it's an 'I can't turn back..." feeling. It's almost as if there is a level in your brain; Where neutral level means neutral mood, and as your highs get higher, your lows get lower. If I'm on any sort of bounce back, I'm gonna end up really fucking happy for like two weeks, then back down again. End it. End it. That's all I keep thinking. Not how, not when, just END IT. It's almost like a fantasy to be gone. I almost wish I had some sort of handicap, so then I could just observe the world and the things around me rather than interact with them and test my luck. I know a lot about computers, yeah, but coding is different. I don't know If I can grow up and be successful in this field. I'm too social for it, socially, but not social enough for it, mechanically. I'm nothing like the people that are going down this path with me. It's scary. If being confused and not being able to think of an exact way to express your feelings was a job, I'd be the damn CEO of that corporation. It's hard to force myself to write, but I have to do it. I want to strike that exact mood and thing inside me that will just let me open up and keep going and going until I've eventually narrowed and pinned it down. How I feel exactly, and what I should do about it. The longer I'm here, the more confused I get though. I'm working backwards. It's funny how fooled people can be when you display multiple personalities. What now? I almost believed in God for a second the other day. I threw the idea around in my head for a bit, then realized, No. How can I come to this conclusion so quickly, but others seem to get stuck so easily? It's just another story people, why believe this one out of all of them. So I love her, that's for sure. I have NO idea what I'm going to do when I get older. add more later i guess.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010


For a second I'm gonna pretend that emotions aren't caused by chemicals in a brain...

Love is an intense word, and I think we all know it's thrown around all to easy. I don't think there should be any extra labels on love. No 'true love', or anything like that, because any word you tack on is just bullshit. No two people are meant to be. That just doesn't happen, because even though I'm pretending that chemicals don't cause emotions, I can't just pretend that biology doesn't exist as a whole. No two people are made for each other, it's random when two people are compatible. One person may be equally compatible with thousands of people, while another person may be compatible with nobody. The chances are low, but it's possible. To love somebody though, with no extra labels or prefixes or suffixes or anything, I think, takes time to realize. I'd think that usually you'd lose the person, and you'd be more bugged by it than you'd think. I'd think that when you'd talk to the person, you'd get along so well that you'd talk and talk and talk and lose track of time and talk some more and eventually, you'd agree on almost anything. To me, to be in love, it'd have to be with somebody who has went through something similar to you, or, as a person, maintains some of the same characteristics. You'd have to think about them when you hear a certain song, and you couldn't stop, well after the song is over. It doesn't even have to be a song you listened to while you were with the person, or have any tie to any particular event, but when a certain melody or tone or something of the sort strikes your ears, they pop into your head. Somebody that you don't realize at first, that you love. She drives me insane. I stare and think about everything on the planet and I know that she'd understand me. Even if I was rambling on, she'd agree. She'd get what I was saying, but would be as clueless on how to express it as I truly am. Somebody, that before you even got old, you realize, that if you lost them or didn't get them, you'd be angry. Furious. Before I've been quoted as saying:

See, the love that people think of, is a love that means that two people are meant for each other. They, no matter what, will love each other. That's impossible. A human has limits, realistic limits that are bound by brain capacity completely. It might take an extra significant event to convince somebody out of "love", but its possible to make somebody unlove somebody else, which completely negates the definition I explained a moment ago."

I'll stick with that. It makes sense. True love doesn't and can't exist. That doesn't depress me at all though, surprisingly, because I know what it takes for me to love. I know what I'm looking for. Somebody that, when they think hard and deep enough, realizes they could be with you, even when their surroundings say no. Kid Cudi is brilliant. "Pursuit of Happiness, yeah"

I think I'll add more to this later...

Sunday, January 3, 2010

It's my first time, be gentle

I've never really 'blogged' before, so the purpose of it is something I'm not aware of, but for a fair warning, I'm just going to write anything here. Any feeling, any idea, any opinion ; basically an online diary.

I hope you don't mind...

First up, is depression.
It's an insane thing. For me, it seems to strike at night, and it's intense. I try not to be weak, but I can't help but think about suicide. I've told a few friends, and they either blow me off, or go insane worrying about it, both are annoying by the way. My girlfriend wonders why I don't really talk to her about it and it's just that she won't understand. I'm a gifted kid, and I knwo for a fact that this sadness isn't just sadness. It's deep. I'm scared of everything. I don't want to grow up. I took advantage of being young, and I regret it. High school is dumb, but it was the best time of my life. i regret waiting so long to come out of my shell, but oh well. I just don't want to grow up. I don't want to go to school anymore. I don't want to get a job. I'm afraid of starting a family. I'm afraid of trying to find a person to spend the rest of my life with, or making the decision about somebody I'm already with. I'm not quite in the depressed mood yet tonight, but it's getting there. It makes me want to die, and I really think being dead would be better for me. So much is expected of me, and I'm afraid I can't meet up to the expectations of anybody. If I don't go through with suicide, and I grow up and have kids and a family, and I'm not successful, I'll feel bad for letting people down, so as I see it, just killing myself now would save that pain from occurring later. I have a friend that tells me I need help. To just find professional help. I don't want that. Then they'd give me medicine, and treatments, and my dad would have to know about it, and he'd treat me different, and I'd be like.. The sick kid. I don't want that. I just want to die. It seems like nobody cares for me besides my girlfriend, a few family members, and a few really close friends. That's it. If I died then all the fucking assholes would feel bad and realize that they are cruel as fuck. Everybody is. I'm not perfect myself, and I realize that, but come on motherfuckers. Nobody will let me be happy. I need a fucking break. Music kills me. That shit draws raw emotion out of me and throws me into a spiral of thought. If I did kill myself, I'd feel bad. I feel bad thinking about it. I'd feel bad for my dad, he doesn't deserve that. It'd kill him. I just don't know what to do. Yeah, suicide is selfish, you're right Amy, but what the fuck do you want me to do. Stay alive for other people? Be their puppet? I hate it. Basically, my life is one big coin toss. Either i'll be super successful, or a huge failure like my uncle. That motherfucker has a higher IQ than Albert Einstein and he lives with his mom. I don't want that to be me. I sorta want to be a writer, but with all of these stupid prerequisites to get degrees and stuff, I'm already on the wrong path. I don't want to grow up. I'm scared. I just want to sleep. I'm tired of light. Stop texting me. This isn't artwork to be gawked at or an article to be read, its my mind. The only way I can think to output it to the world. I hate that money rules the world. I'm in a middle-class household, but just at the point where I get barely any financial help from the government, and almost none from my family too. I dont want fucking pity, I'm just writing. I've found a few people in my life that I never want to lose contact with. My so-called 'best friends' can all fuck off. There's a difference between social friends and deep friends. I can have meaningful conversations with certain friends, and with others, it's a simple basic conversation thing, and I hate that. Lil Wayne is a fiend, whoever says he isn't can fuck off. This has gotten off track...

don't come to me and freak out because i talked about suicide.
I don't care. Thanks