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Start from the bottom...

If you want to really read these blogs, start from the bottom. The top is the most recent, but the bottom is where you'll get the most depth and insight to how I write.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

No Title, Really.

I don't really have any certain thing to write about in particular, but what made me decide to write was that when I was just reading my OWN blog, it fucked with me. Somehow my own words saddened me. It wasn't and isn't a pity feeling, it's an 'I can't turn back..." feeling. It's almost as if there is a level in your brain; Where neutral level means neutral mood, and as your highs get higher, your lows get lower. If I'm on any sort of bounce back, I'm gonna end up really fucking happy for like two weeks, then back down again. End it. End it. That's all I keep thinking. Not how, not when, just END IT. It's almost like a fantasy to be gone. I almost wish I had some sort of handicap, so then I could just observe the world and the things around me rather than interact with them and test my luck. I know a lot about computers, yeah, but coding is different. I don't know If I can grow up and be successful in this field. I'm too social for it, socially, but not social enough for it, mechanically. I'm nothing like the people that are going down this path with me. It's scary. If being confused and not being able to think of an exact way to express your feelings was a job, I'd be the damn CEO of that corporation. It's hard to force myself to write, but I have to do it. I want to strike that exact mood and thing inside me that will just let me open up and keep going and going until I've eventually narrowed and pinned it down. How I feel exactly, and what I should do about it. The longer I'm here, the more confused I get though. I'm working backwards. It's funny how fooled people can be when you display multiple personalities. What now? I almost believed in God for a second the other day. I threw the idea around in my head for a bit, then realized, No. How can I come to this conclusion so quickly, but others seem to get stuck so easily? It's just another story people, why believe this one out of all of them. So I love her, that's for sure. I have NO idea what I'm going to do when I get older. add more later i guess.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010


For a second I'm gonna pretend that emotions aren't caused by chemicals in a brain...

Love is an intense word, and I think we all know it's thrown around all to easy. I don't think there should be any extra labels on love. No 'true love', or anything like that, because any word you tack on is just bullshit. No two people are meant to be. That just doesn't happen, because even though I'm pretending that chemicals don't cause emotions, I can't just pretend that biology doesn't exist as a whole. No two people are made for each other, it's random when two people are compatible. One person may be equally compatible with thousands of people, while another person may be compatible with nobody. The chances are low, but it's possible. To love somebody though, with no extra labels or prefixes or suffixes or anything, I think, takes time to realize. I'd think that usually you'd lose the person, and you'd be more bugged by it than you'd think. I'd think that when you'd talk to the person, you'd get along so well that you'd talk and talk and talk and lose track of time and talk some more and eventually, you'd agree on almost anything. To me, to be in love, it'd have to be with somebody who has went through something similar to you, or, as a person, maintains some of the same characteristics. You'd have to think about them when you hear a certain song, and you couldn't stop, well after the song is over. It doesn't even have to be a song you listened to while you were with the person, or have any tie to any particular event, but when a certain melody or tone or something of the sort strikes your ears, they pop into your head. Somebody that you don't realize at first, that you love. She drives me insane. I stare and think about everything on the planet and I know that she'd understand me. Even if I was rambling on, she'd agree. She'd get what I was saying, but would be as clueless on how to express it as I truly am. Somebody, that before you even got old, you realize, that if you lost them or didn't get them, you'd be angry. Furious. Before I've been quoted as saying:

See, the love that people think of, is a love that means that two people are meant for each other. They, no matter what, will love each other. That's impossible. A human has limits, realistic limits that are bound by brain capacity completely. It might take an extra significant event to convince somebody out of "love", but its possible to make somebody unlove somebody else, which completely negates the definition I explained a moment ago."

I'll stick with that. It makes sense. True love doesn't and can't exist. That doesn't depress me at all though, surprisingly, because I know what it takes for me to love. I know what I'm looking for. Somebody that, when they think hard and deep enough, realizes they could be with you, even when their surroundings say no. Kid Cudi is brilliant. "Pursuit of Happiness, yeah"

I think I'll add more to this later...

Sunday, January 3, 2010

It's my first time, be gentle

I've never really 'blogged' before, so the purpose of it is something I'm not aware of, but for a fair warning, I'm just going to write anything here. Any feeling, any idea, any opinion ; basically an online diary.

I hope you don't mind...

First up, is depression.
It's an insane thing. For me, it seems to strike at night, and it's intense. I try not to be weak, but I can't help but think about suicide. I've told a few friends, and they either blow me off, or go insane worrying about it, both are annoying by the way. My girlfriend wonders why I don't really talk to her about it and it's just that she won't understand. I'm a gifted kid, and I knwo for a fact that this sadness isn't just sadness. It's deep. I'm scared of everything. I don't want to grow up. I took advantage of being young, and I regret it. High school is dumb, but it was the best time of my life. i regret waiting so long to come out of my shell, but oh well. I just don't want to grow up. I don't want to go to school anymore. I don't want to get a job. I'm afraid of starting a family. I'm afraid of trying to find a person to spend the rest of my life with, or making the decision about somebody I'm already with. I'm not quite in the depressed mood yet tonight, but it's getting there. It makes me want to die, and I really think being dead would be better for me. So much is expected of me, and I'm afraid I can't meet up to the expectations of anybody. If I don't go through with suicide, and I grow up and have kids and a family, and I'm not successful, I'll feel bad for letting people down, so as I see it, just killing myself now would save that pain from occurring later. I have a friend that tells me I need help. To just find professional help. I don't want that. Then they'd give me medicine, and treatments, and my dad would have to know about it, and he'd treat me different, and I'd be like.. The sick kid. I don't want that. I just want to die. It seems like nobody cares for me besides my girlfriend, a few family members, and a few really close friends. That's it. If I died then all the fucking assholes would feel bad and realize that they are cruel as fuck. Everybody is. I'm not perfect myself, and I realize that, but come on motherfuckers. Nobody will let me be happy. I need a fucking break. Music kills me. That shit draws raw emotion out of me and throws me into a spiral of thought. If I did kill myself, I'd feel bad. I feel bad thinking about it. I'd feel bad for my dad, he doesn't deserve that. It'd kill him. I just don't know what to do. Yeah, suicide is selfish, you're right Amy, but what the fuck do you want me to do. Stay alive for other people? Be their puppet? I hate it. Basically, my life is one big coin toss. Either i'll be super successful, or a huge failure like my uncle. That motherfucker has a higher IQ than Albert Einstein and he lives with his mom. I don't want that to be me. I sorta want to be a writer, but with all of these stupid prerequisites to get degrees and stuff, I'm already on the wrong path. I don't want to grow up. I'm scared. I just want to sleep. I'm tired of light. Stop texting me. This isn't artwork to be gawked at or an article to be read, its my mind. The only way I can think to output it to the world. I hate that money rules the world. I'm in a middle-class household, but just at the point where I get barely any financial help from the government, and almost none from my family too. I dont want fucking pity, I'm just writing. I've found a few people in my life that I never want to lose contact with. My so-called 'best friends' can all fuck off. There's a difference between social friends and deep friends. I can have meaningful conversations with certain friends, and with others, it's a simple basic conversation thing, and I hate that. Lil Wayne is a fiend, whoever says he isn't can fuck off. This has gotten off track...

don't come to me and freak out because i talked about suicide.
I don't care. Thanks