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If you want to really read these blogs, start from the bottom. The top is the most recent, but the bottom is where you'll get the most depth and insight to how I write.

Sunday, January 3, 2010

It's my first time, be gentle

I've never really 'blogged' before, so the purpose of it is something I'm not aware of, but for a fair warning, I'm just going to write anything here. Any feeling, any idea, any opinion ; basically an online diary.

I hope you don't mind...

First up, is depression.
It's an insane thing. For me, it seems to strike at night, and it's intense. I try not to be weak, but I can't help but think about suicide. I've told a few friends, and they either blow me off, or go insane worrying about it, both are annoying by the way. My girlfriend wonders why I don't really talk to her about it and it's just that she won't understand. I'm a gifted kid, and I knwo for a fact that this sadness isn't just sadness. It's deep. I'm scared of everything. I don't want to grow up. I took advantage of being young, and I regret it. High school is dumb, but it was the best time of my life. i regret waiting so long to come out of my shell, but oh well. I just don't want to grow up. I don't want to go to school anymore. I don't want to get a job. I'm afraid of starting a family. I'm afraid of trying to find a person to spend the rest of my life with, or making the decision about somebody I'm already with. I'm not quite in the depressed mood yet tonight, but it's getting there. It makes me want to die, and I really think being dead would be better for me. So much is expected of me, and I'm afraid I can't meet up to the expectations of anybody. If I don't go through with suicide, and I grow up and have kids and a family, and I'm not successful, I'll feel bad for letting people down, so as I see it, just killing myself now would save that pain from occurring later. I have a friend that tells me I need help. To just find professional help. I don't want that. Then they'd give me medicine, and treatments, and my dad would have to know about it, and he'd treat me different, and I'd be like.. The sick kid. I don't want that. I just want to die. It seems like nobody cares for me besides my girlfriend, a few family members, and a few really close friends. That's it. If I died then all the fucking assholes would feel bad and realize that they are cruel as fuck. Everybody is. I'm not perfect myself, and I realize that, but come on motherfuckers. Nobody will let me be happy. I need a fucking break. Music kills me. That shit draws raw emotion out of me and throws me into a spiral of thought. If I did kill myself, I'd feel bad. I feel bad thinking about it. I'd feel bad for my dad, he doesn't deserve that. It'd kill him. I just don't know what to do. Yeah, suicide is selfish, you're right Amy, but what the fuck do you want me to do. Stay alive for other people? Be their puppet? I hate it. Basically, my life is one big coin toss. Either i'll be super successful, or a huge failure like my uncle. That motherfucker has a higher IQ than Albert Einstein and he lives with his mom. I don't want that to be me. I sorta want to be a writer, but with all of these stupid prerequisites to get degrees and stuff, I'm already on the wrong path. I don't want to grow up. I'm scared. I just want to sleep. I'm tired of light. Stop texting me. This isn't artwork to be gawked at or an article to be read, its my mind. The only way I can think to output it to the world. I hate that money rules the world. I'm in a middle-class household, but just at the point where I get barely any financial help from the government, and almost none from my family too. I dont want fucking pity, I'm just writing. I've found a few people in my life that I never want to lose contact with. My so-called 'best friends' can all fuck off. There's a difference between social friends and deep friends. I can have meaningful conversations with certain friends, and with others, it's a simple basic conversation thing, and I hate that. Lil Wayne is a fiend, whoever says he isn't can fuck off. This has gotten off track...

don't come to me and freak out because i talked about suicide.
I don't care. Thanks


  1. I wonder if it's wise to look for the onus of your problems...

  2. Are you serious? Dude everyone feels that way at some point in their lives. as for you wanting to become a writer don't give up, just keep on trying.