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If you want to really read these blogs, start from the bottom. The top is the most recent, but the bottom is where you'll get the most depth and insight to how I write.

Monday, September 26, 2016

To Infinity and Beyond

You can do you all you can to get where you think you want to be, or you can mess up a few times and fight through it and end up somewhere else. I'm somewhere else right now, but its more than I ever even wanted to accomplish before my stumbles, and you know what? I still think about it. I still think about that lovely white light ending everything and the solitude that probably comes with it. Sometimes you get dealt so much shit you just want to say fuck it because you can. Standing up to some shit being thrown your way is supposed to show strength, but I see strength in giving up in some ways. That, to me, is truly taking control rather than being tossed around like you're riding a bull. I swear I'm riding a bull... right on its gnarly horn. I push everything away that wants to help me, and I know that. I only reach out in the most desperate of times, and by then its usually too late or I'm on the uphill climb again. I swear I can be on top of the world in other people's eyes, but still feel so low at the same time. I just don't know what to do to be able to get away from this funk. I know it's been a while since I've written on here, but god damn this mother fucker is chasing me. I look forward to death. I don't look forward to death after a full and accomplished life or feel like I'll have regret if I die early, I just envy the lack of getting fucked and twisted every direction. There is so much we HAVE to do in order to be 'happy'. I hate that I sound like a privileged fucking white kid writing this too. There are probably people who have gone through so much more shit, but I'd say I've gone through a good amount of shit and still ended up on top so far. Fuck you school. Fuck you people who know they should get fucked. The Great White Buffalo is getting married soon. I'm sure that is subconsciously is what made me want to come back to this domain. Can't say for sure. I feel like I'm less inquisitive now a days and that makes me feel older. I am old. ew. I really want to be a degenerate, it seems like so much fun - and in my own way when I was one, it was super fun. I was always stressed but it was a different kind of stress. I hate how people think I have all of the answers... I'm just as lost as you are. I love my sister. This entire thing had "I"'s littered throughout it. That is the worst.