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If you want to really read these blogs, start from the bottom. The top is the most recent, but the bottom is where you'll get the most depth and insight to how I write.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

No Title, Really.

I don't really have any certain thing to write about in particular, but what made me decide to write was that when I was just reading my OWN blog, it fucked with me. Somehow my own words saddened me. It wasn't and isn't a pity feeling, it's an 'I can't turn back..." feeling. It's almost as if there is a level in your brain; Where neutral level means neutral mood, and as your highs get higher, your lows get lower. If I'm on any sort of bounce back, I'm gonna end up really fucking happy for like two weeks, then back down again. End it. End it. That's all I keep thinking. Not how, not when, just END IT. It's almost like a fantasy to be gone. I almost wish I had some sort of handicap, so then I could just observe the world and the things around me rather than interact with them and test my luck. I know a lot about computers, yeah, but coding is different. I don't know If I can grow up and be successful in this field. I'm too social for it, socially, but not social enough for it, mechanically. I'm nothing like the people that are going down this path with me. It's scary. If being confused and not being able to think of an exact way to express your feelings was a job, I'd be the damn CEO of that corporation. It's hard to force myself to write, but I have to do it. I want to strike that exact mood and thing inside me that will just let me open up and keep going and going until I've eventually narrowed and pinned it down. How I feel exactly, and what I should do about it. The longer I'm here, the more confused I get though. I'm working backwards. It's funny how fooled people can be when you display multiple personalities. What now? I almost believed in God for a second the other day. I threw the idea around in my head for a bit, then realized, No. How can I come to this conclusion so quickly, but others seem to get stuck so easily? It's just another story people, why believe this one out of all of them. So I love her, that's for sure. I have NO idea what I'm going to do when I get older. add more later i guess.

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